A Conversation With Spirit

Dear Counselor, friend and confidante of my deepest heart:

Once again I come to you with a heavy heart and a troubled mind. The recent unexpected death of my friend and neighbor Charles left me very sad. And then last night I got the news that a childhood friend of mine would probably die before morning.

Then, I was completely numb; today it is all sifting through my mind, and I find myself deeply sad, and afraid too, crying from time to time, and utterly useless. I have put all my work aside, and from the window I look out at Charles’ empty apartment, with its familiar well-worn wooden porch steps. Suddenly I realize that his apartment is the mirror image of mine.

Some people would say he didn’t leave much of a life behind, really, yet in some ways he had a great deal. He had children and friends who loved him, even though he lived almost like a hermit. He was beautiful in spirit, and I wasted the opportunity to know him because I was sot of a recluse too, keeping to myself.

For the last few years I’ve been asking, praying, and seeking “my Mission” in life, my “right Livelihood,” and the Path of Joy. My request to God was to “Give me joyful work.” Now I realize that the joy I want may not come from any work, but only from the people that I share my soul’s work with, that I share my true self with, that I dare to know and join with in a spiritual and truly honest way. Oh, but this will make me so vulnerable.

Lord, Counselor, my heart is jumbled full of so many questions and feelings about both life and death. I can not say them all, or even know them all, but You know them. Dear God, Dear Counselor, please speak to the questions you know are in my heart, struggling to be known. If you have time in your eternity, please speak to me now. I am in need of Your light.

So many times it feels like my life is opening, but yet it never quite does. I feel as if something is about to be born, or maybe is about to die, and today I have suddenly realized that both may be the same.

Beloved, You are human; it is natural to grieve every loss ￐ of a friend, of a role, or a way of life. Your heart feels love and gratitude for the things and people who pass though your life, because each of them has given your soul a gift.  But what your human heart experiences as a loss, your soul knows is not. Your soul sees the passing in and out of the layers of existence like the ripples of a stream. Each one is beautiful, and sparkles and shines and glitters in the sunlight, and floating leaves tumble and dance on the surface of the living river as it flows.   Each little ripple is a true expression of the streamᅰs being, and is the stream in truth, and yet the stream is more. More than the water, more than the ripples, more than the mossy stones they glide over. Yes, and even more than the force that flows, that moves all this through time and space.  In the same way that a ripple in the water both is and is not the stream, and is inseparable from the stream, so are you God, and inseparable from God. Even though you are not God, you are. You are a natural and inseparable expression of what is God.  Each life is Life. All of life is completely present in every life on earth. When one person dies, or one ripple disperses back into the stream, That one is gone forever from where it was. It will never again be seen in the way that it was seen.  But the stream is not diminished,  and nothing has really been taken away. The stream flows on. The coming and going of ripples is simply its way of being.  Also with human life. Each life is priceless, unique, shining, and will never be repeated. But when that shape, that single expression of life disperses once again into its source, it is not gone. And Life, like the river, is not diminished. One beautiful bright glittering ripple fades, and another gathers its energy and movement. Every ᅭdeathᅮ is a birth. For in truth, there is no death. And every ᅭtransitionᅮ is a change that generates not only new life, but more life

But yet, I feel so sad. And afraid too. My friends were too young. How can this happen? And what is this "death?" I ask myself these questions now especially as I a grow older. Lord, I’m afraid I won’t do what my soul came here to do. And yes, I know it’s true that my soul will go on, but there will never be another me, the one I am now. The gifts I've been given will be wasted.

I’m afraid to live my life. That’s the bottom line. My spirit life. That’s the truth, if I am honest with myself. I’ve been hiding out, taking the coward’s lonely path because it seemed safer from hurt and disappointment.

That saying "Be careful what you pray for” (because you will get it) is where my heart is hesitating, has been hesitating for years. I feel on the brink of letting my heart break free of the fear, and open up. I know I am vulnerable this way. The gate has opened, just a little, but I could still slam it shut, like I’ve done before.

Beloved, each time you stumble, you learn. Each time you fall, you get up stronger. You know this is true, and your life is even now being changed by this truth. Continue to dance, even if you think you might fall. I promise you, you are as graceful falling as you are dancing. Falling is just another word you can call dancing. In truth, the dance of life can only be  every step there is.   Go ahead and dance. Remember to trust your self, and be as kind to your self as you want to be to others, for truly you cannot be any kinder or more loving to others than you are willing to be to yourself. You know this; Remember it. When you bless your own life, you bless Me. Please bless Me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    RM  01.0119
this Month's New Thought Essay, Poetry, and Blog. Darkhorse Press New Poets